Jon Stewart Is Leaving The Daily Show
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Ray Lewis And Deer Antler Spray

Posted 1/30/2013 6:30 am by

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Even as his playing career winds down to a final game at the Super Bowl in New Orleans, Ray Lewis still courts controversy.  The Baltimore Ravens linebacker and mainstay of one of the top defenses in the NFL for the better part of a decade has made a miracle recovery from a torn triceps muscle that nearly ended his season.  Now, sources are saying that Ray Lewis’s recovery isn’t exactly on the up-and-up.  Ray Lewis has been accused of using the banned substance deer-antler velvet spray; Lewis has denied all allegations.

So what’s deer antler spray?  Well, let’s ask Christopher Key, a leading alternative medicine quack from Sports with Alternative to Steroids, a supplier of deer-antler velvet spray.

“You’re familiar with HGH, correct?  It’s converted in the liver to IGF-1,” said Key from SWATS in an interview with Sports Illustrated.  “We have deer that we harvest out of New Zealand.  Their antlers are the fastest-growing substance on planet Earth . . . because of the high concentration of IGF-1.  We’ve been able to freeze dry that out, extract it, put it in a sublingual spray that you shake for 20 seconds and then spray three [times] under your tongue. . . . This stuff has been around for almost 1,000 years, this is stuff from the Chinese.”

IGF-1 and its alternatives have been banned by the NFL and the NCAA as part of their respective drug policies due to its steroid-like effects.  Most of SWATS’s other weird remedies, stickers and holograms and bracelets and mentholated underwear, have not been banned (probably because they’re crazy-sounding pseudo-science.

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